In a marital relationship, there is a kind of arrogant anger – I have expectations for you, but you did not meet my expectations, so I am extremely angry, so angry that I want to overturn everything.
If you carefully experience this anger, you will find that behind the anger, you are particularly powerless, and anger is to create some strength. This anger also has its rationale, as it initially emerged in the early stages of infancy. At that time, the baby felt that his mother and even the world were one with him, and he was omnipotent. So, of course, all of his needs must be met immediately. If not satisfied, there will be violent anger. Psychology refers to this as omnipotent narcissism, and everyone has gone through this stage. The solution to it is not delayed gratification, but satisfaction that is good enough. Once the omnipotent narcissism is satisfied enough, the baby can truly accept it on this basis. He and his mother are not alone, and the world will not revolve around his feelings. Only then can he accept the sense of scarcity and form a foundation for delayed satisfaction. That is to say, there must be enough satisfaction in order for him to have the ability to endure dissatisfaction and know that others are not responsible for his sense of scarcity. At the same time, he also has the power to seek resources or accept setbacks. But now, the husband is the husband, he can meet his wife’s needs or not, and this wife has to accept it.
In the relationship between husband and wife, there is also a legitimate disdain – this is not acceptable, and that is not acceptable either. There are complaints, ridicule, and sarcasm, and no matter what he does, it is of no use. His every word and action will become material for criticism.
Disgusting pushed the other person away in distance, with a sense of shame behind their needs. It also pushed away the intimacy in the marital relationship. Is it an unfamiliarity with intimacy? Or a shame for gaining intimacy? For example, my mother doesn’t have it, and I shouldn’t have either. The sender of disgust is in a moral high position, ‘I am capable’ (possibly false), and I need your satisfaction, but you ignore my needs. ‘You are bad’, not trustworthy.
Those who are despised will also feel wronged and angry. If they are despised for a long time, they will feel that they do not deserve care and love. Especially for children who are growing up, they may have a bad experience of ‘not being worthy of existence’, and may doubt themselves for the rest of their lives. Their sense of value, confidence, desire for success, and even security will be low. They may “excessively please” or even give up their dignity in order to obtain a trace of pitiful warmth; They may isolate themselves and no longer trust others, and others’ kindness towards them may be seen as ulterior motives by them.
In family relationships, there is a justifiable sense of nitpicking – if a mother nitpicks her child, you can’t do this, and you can’t do that either. Believe that only by constantly pointing out and correcting shortcomings can children become better.
This is precisely a misconception. Disgusting and nitpicking both project anxiety onto children. Children who grow up being picky are often people who lack a sense of responsibility and the ability to love. They may be looked down upon by others, including their parents, for being self-centered and not respecting others. This forms intergenerational transmission. If a family despises each other, it will lead to mutual harm.
Expressing feelings with anger and disgust is not worth the loss. Because of the fear of being looked down upon by others, one may use showing off to protect their vulnerability, thereby avoiding trouble for others and causing unnecessary pain. In fact, others like you because you are valuable, not because you are flawless. Standing on the moral high ground out of inferiority complex, maintaining disdain towards the surroundings. They often rush to belittle and refute those who are better than themselves, or express different opinions to gain attention from others, thereby highlighting their superiority and gaining a sense of confidence.
People cannot survive alone. Only by being respected and recognized in a relationship can one reflect the meaning of their existence.